Monkeying around

Our last outro?

2009-04-21T19:50:00.002+02:00

Nah, not an outro, but that was the song that was playing when I started writing this. Remembered this blog the other day and now I thought it was about time to try to start again. Not start fresh since I can't be bothered with erasing all my old posts. Reading them brings me back to some years of complete and utter chaos in my love life, something that seems to be a state of normality when it comes to me.

All for now, more later or tomorrow perhaps?

/The monkey is back!

Happy ending

2008-08-10T19:18:00.003+02:00

It's all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can't deliver, if she keeps screwing up, well eventually I guess you kinda have to say "Fuck You". Or words to that effect.

Quoted for truth from "Californication"

My My My

2008-05-01T22:03:00.003+02:00

Damn, life sure is weird.
I thought I knew it all, or at least quite alot, but I guess I know naught.
How do I know what is true and what is a lie, what matters and what doesn't, I guess there is no way for me to know. But there is at least one light in the end of the tunnel, drunkenness this weekend beckons me, drunkenness and large amounts of food and friends, and in a week there might be more of that at S's place, or at least with S, unless E gets her thumb out of her ass and comes to visit. It would be nice to see E again, been too long, and I've gots to tell her.

I've also had some sort of revelation, I think I'm getting older and more aware of what I really want, I've actually started thinking that eventually I should start looking for some kind of serious girl, not just trying to make out with a cute one once in a while.. well that's something for another night..

That's it for now I guess, some people know what I'm on about, some will find out in due time, and to the rest of you, fuck off!

/Tired and cranky Monkey

I fucking hate you

2008-01-10T20:38:00.000+01:00

This won't be long. But there will be alot of "fuck"s, so if you're sensitive, don't bother.

FUCK!
How the hell can this fucking girl make me feel this fucked up, feels like my head is turned inside out, like me stomach is about to burst with a damn alien or something, sleep is fucking impossible, fitful and short if it even exists.
It's only taken two fucking weeks or so and I hardly know her but still I'm so royally fucked that I'm ashamed of myself, the only thing I want to do is hit something really hard, preferably with a baseball bat, or blow something up.
Fuck fuckeli fuck fuck fuck.
That pretty much sums it up. I guess I'm pathetic but that's really it.
Now you're thinking; "what a loser who can't accept getting dissed by a girl" but hell, if that was all I'd be fucking juggling baby seals or something, it's the fucking to-and-fro that's really got me going, the on-off the yes-no, the damn undecidedness coupled with some sort of scary, psychological knowledge coupled with the fact that she seems abso-fucking-lutely clueless about everything and shit.

"Enough of this nonsense, bring on the fucking lapdancers" I wish it was only that fucking easy.
Good night and die. / Murdermonkey

The fast life

2007-12-31T15:46:00.000+01:00

Well well well, I've only had ten days off from school, still it feels like a lot has happened, met plenty of people, traveled a little and even met some new people, maybe friends?

I could fill pages of my ramblings but I just don't wanna do it, those I've met the latest week andt that I have faith in knows it all I think, if not, give me a call and ask me ;)

Cheerio, today I'm gonna get drunk and find my faith in a new year which will be a better year, isn't that how every year should start? With the hope of improving, or at least be as good as the last? Bye

edit. Ems, I've got a weird update for you when we meet next, teehee.

My poor friend me

2007-11-27T22:31:00.000+01:00

Just watched the latest news from the wonderful capital of Sweden, Stockholm, and the local amusement park. It seems that they pay their underage workers a salary of (only) something around 8000/month and a representative for the union is up in flames about it. I'm more concerned that someone studying full time gets an allowance of 2500 or so and is allowed to borrow somewhere around 4500 more, making the total something like 7000.
A kid, yes a kid, someone under the age of 18, would make more working at an amusement park than anyone studying at university level does. It scares me, it truly scares me that we accept it. Students in Sweden live below the level of poverty if my memory serves me.. but who knows, I might be wrong.

But on the other hand, I have few problems with my economy, I have a cheap appartment and generous parents. Until next time, cheers / Curious Monkey
(Yes I watched curious George yesterday)

The model

2007-11-17T01:50:00.000+01:00

Yay, another week in B done, not going back again though, it really was quite nice, wine, friends and games makes every evening an event.
Photosession today with the usual suspects while drinking wine, nothing wrong there..

Got home, found J online and spoke to him for a while. Went to sleep happily.

And no E, there is no love to talk about, but I'm not sure if I care all that much, perhaps I'm enjoying life as a single too much to bother looking for something unless I find it by chance.

The worst day since yesterday

2007-10-14T19:20:00.000+02:00

Well, this was a weird night if nothing else, first I had some wine with S1 and S2, S1 then proceeded to tell me not to make a move on J, something that I wasn't going to do anyways, I'm simply not interested in that girl.. What blows my mind is that I then asked S1 who I could make a move on and she told me that A was ok, and i mocked the offer since I've always felt A was young but wouldn't admit it and just acted old.. Later on A turned up and she turned out to have a wonderful fucking brain, ergo she was soooo much better than I remembered her.
Drunken stupidness then ensued and I was waaay obvious in what I wanted from A, which was fine until we decided to try find another party, which is when I lost her, she just disappeared.

But on the other hand, when I was running around looking for her I found S3 who I haven't seen in like three months, and we'll probably get together in a week or two and have fun, yay. I also found that E is working as a doorman at one of the better places in V, so know I know three different people who can help me get in fast and for free. niiiice.

Hopefully A will reappear sooner or later and get in touch so that we can continue our discussions and I can continue being pathetically obvious, I'm just too old and tired to bother with playing all those games, it's easier to be honest from the start.

Good night.

Loyal to no-one

2007-09-26T20:23:00.000+02:00

Got my hands on the latest Dropkick Murphy's album today, one of the songs really got to me, "Loyal to no-one", because it seemed to fit me, the lyrics matched so many of my feelings, am I perhaps a psychopath?

Nah, I don't really think so, but I sometimes wonder how much I feel and how much I can feel. It been some time since I felt what I thought was love the last time I felt it. I've felt happiness and sadness, hate and longing, but I don't think I've felt love in a long time..
Never mind, I'm going to bed soon, gotta get up early tomorrow and go to school, lately I've gotten into the habit of going to bed early so that I get to sleep alot and wake up feeling at least reasonably well rested.
Night Monkey says OOOK!

Homophobes are just pissed because they can't get laid

2007-09-15T03:12:00.000+02:00

Yay, party at H's today, wonderful crowd as always when she throws a party, some didn't show up, some showed up without a tinfoil-hat, a constant confusion and a whole lot of bevvys containing alcohol.. as previously stated, wonderful.
J is a very nice man, if I only liked penises and he wasn't engaged to be married to M this spring I might just steal him away (or maybe not, I'm way to kind to do that kind of thing, I pretend to be evil but my heart controls my every move) cause every time I have some kind of problem and every time I've got something bothering me he has the right thing to say to make me feel better and end all my stupid regurgitations of things done..
cheers/ DrunknMunky

Banana pancakes

2007-06-15T20:21:00.001+02:00

Yesterday I went to a couple of graduationparties, first, it was nice meeting some of the people I met, and second, the cake tasted great. My friend J asked me why I was so fascinated with cake and I thought I should share my views on it.
The reason that cake is what is important here on earth:
"Love fades, friends change and disappear, things break and are forgotten, but cake... cake.. the only thing it does is go bad unless it is eaten, so you have to be quick, but not too quick, because then you will not only get a stomach ache but also get clobbered by those who did not get any cake.
Any questions? Didn't think so. cheers

I honestly do hate you

2007-06-01T00:37:00.000+02:00

And I also hate the fact that I love you.
Tired and drunk, goodnight.

Thought like flames

2007-05-30T20:45:00.000+02:00

Nighttime in the suburbs, or at least one of them. Heavy clouds are hanging och me but no rain is falling, seems a shame to go to bed instead of sucking every ounce of of beauty out of the view, the moon hiding behind one cloud while throwing its light on another, an endless procession of cars on the highway below and the snapping of the flaglines to my right.
It makes me appreciate life just a little bit more, each new experience, each new soght and each new thing of beauty that i find as the days keep passing by. School is finally out for this semester, all reports and exams are done and passed, I've got a long summer lying completely open before me, few things are booked, a few others loosely planned but most of it will consist of reading and taking one day at a time and just contemplating what it's all about, and what it is? What is it all about? 42? The answer to life, death and everything, or is it something else? Like honoring your parents, chewing with your mouth closed and not sitting on cold stones while wearing wet swimming trunks? Maybe not. Probably not.
Then what is it? Is it just a trip from A to B? The classic idea of watching your life flash before your eyes as you are dying, isn't that what's called life? Watching? Watching is what life is all about, watching and seeing, really seeing, seeing all that which makes both life as well as other human beings great or horrible, beautiful or ugly, fair or lopsided.

Listening and hearing, touching and feeling, acting and doing!

Two years in school have passed, and some days it feels like a week, if it wasn't for all the memories of good times and bad times I would hardly believe that time has passed this quickly, perhaps I'm lucky to write this blog where I can revisit my feelings? Admittedly it's mostly sad feelings but without those how would we know what joy truly is? Sometimes I look back and think that there! then! I had happiness!
But I fear that it might just as well be nothing but a product of an overactive brain making something good seem even better than it really was.
Most probably it's a natural, definitely very human quirk to improve memories, making them better or worse, to imprint the memories and the lessons they should teach us, maybe it didn't hurt all that much falling on your bike, but a powerful memory of pain will keep us from doing it again.
Occasionally I fear my mind belittles the true memories, the true experiences, weren't they good or bad enough to justify my actions without the enhancement?
Wasn't it good enought without me trying to change it? If it wasn't I'm glad it's over, if it was I'm sad I don't feel it anymore, but I do not think that I will ever be sorry that some things are in the past, life is an evermoving, everchanging thing.

What is real, the true thing or the memories of the thing? The occation or the impression of the truth?
I choose the memories, if they are beautiful or good, then so was it, and that is all I need to know and remember.

Goodnight.

Heroes from our past

2007-04-08T16:52:00.000+02:00

Again I try to take up my blogging, who knows, maybe now my life will be interesting enough to fill the pages of the internet.
Just writing something small about yesterday, had a blast, first I met up with a friend from old, he threw a party to celebrate that he and his bf got a new appartment, after that I went to S and celebrated her twentieth birthday. And as is two parties in one evening wasn't enough I went to P's appartment and kept drinking.
Then we went downtown where I found an old pupil who started hitting on me, she tried to get me to buy her a drink but since she took me for a drink at a party this christmas I was sober enough not to be fucked over again, but I got a snogging anyway. Niiiiiice.
/Sleepy Monkey

The inevitable return of the great white dope

2007-03-11T16:31:00.000+01:00

Oh my, it's been a while hasn't it? I could blame school, I've had shitloads to do, but I could probably have prioritized blogging if I'd had something interesting to put here, but I rarely have.
Well well, what's new then? I've caught up with all (well almost all, not the bloody LBF) schoolwork, I've gone and got drunk with OT and some other CS-people, there's really nothing thatbeats meeting up for real and having something to drink.
And yes, I've found out that I'll probably be unemployed this summer, I had too high demands on when I was willing to work and when I wanted to have my vacation, I think I deserve to have a real summer break, it'll be last real one I get I'm afraid, but at least I can work as a doctors assistant next summer.

All for now, will try to update more regularly from now on..
/Monkey

Just a test

2006-12-22T10:54:00.000+01:00

Today is the day of my final exams this semester, it begins in two and a half hours, after that (it'll take about 90 minutes I think) I'll be going south to meet friends and family and get drunk..
Feels like I'm wellprepared for the test and passing it should be a breeze.

Oh, and totally of topic, I've bought myself a pair of new shades in anticipation of my trip to Jamaica, I think I might be in love with them..

/Shady Monkey

Travelling without moving

2006-12-07T22:00:00.000+01:00

Returned, I have returned, I have finally returned.
"w00t!" I hear you all roar in a happy bliss but yes, it is true, once again I am online and blogging, should have begun two or three weeks ago but I have been offline, my computer forgot what my networkcard looked like, or at least how to use it.
But now, thanks to my good friend A it is found and functional...

And that was about all I had to write today, that and that I'm going home to my parents for the weekend for no particular reason at all.

Sleepy Monkey

relax, don't panic

2006-09-25T22:33:00.001+02:00

aaaaaaaaaaargh, so much to do, so little time..
Hope you'll excuse any spellingmistakes I'll make, I'm tired and occasionally the room spins a few turns around my head..
At the moment life is good but waaaaay to stressed out, got up at 7, left the flat at half past 8, got home 10 past 9, in the evening, yes, I spent 9 hours in school, popped in on a friend to check out her flat with another friend who might sublet it, then went to the gym for slightly more than an hour and a half..
Feels like I might break down any day now, and I still feel that I need to make time to have some coffee/go on a date with a cute girl, well it might all just work out, the test is next tuesday, perhaps I could date her the day after.. If I get out of bed at all then..

Monkey with his nerves outside his skin / Monkey Boy

Pump it

2006-09-11T20:07:00.000+02:00

Heh, went to the gym today with mr. U.
About time I assume since it was several years since I last had a good work-out, and it felt great, especially the part where I get to yell at mr. U for not trying hard enough to lift the heavy things.. Doing it again tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it.

That's all for today. Cheerio / Muscle-Monkey

The finger

2006-09-10T19:39:00.000+02:00

[Written on my way home from the party]
Damn. Is it wrong to feel great simply because I'm drunk? I sure hope not, cause right now I'm more than legally drunk and happy as a clam about both the drunkeness and my life in general. Even though it seems that the attraction last night wasn't mutual.
But thanks to friends who don't mind talking shit about people I seem to have passed through love, hate and suffering in less than 24 hours.. sounds like magic I hear you say. And I agree wholeheartedly.
Ah, well maybe it isn't all thanks to my friends, perhaps it's partly thanks to another girl I've been flirting with, too bad she didn't join us at the night club yesterday.. well well, who knows what will happen

/ Final Fantasy Monkey

Kiss me I'm shitfaced

2006-09-09T01:42:00.000+02:00

Oh. My. God.
What happened tonight?
I might have tasted a small piece of heaven tonight. Now the question is if I'll get to eat the whole plate or if I'm about to be thrown out of the restaurant..
Got drunk tonight with parts of my class. Or more correctly I started drinking in front of the computer and got convinced to go out and join my class. When I got there A and Y were already tipsy and soon A was sitting in my lap as we didn't have enough chairs. It felt wonderful to wrap my arms around her and feel her lean into my embrace.
Later on we danced and we were both pretty handsy, well I was very handsy and she was kinda.. She left me on the floor to get a drink in the bar and decided that it was time to leave. As I went to find her and say goodbye she asked me to stay a while longer, I declined, put heartshaped ear-thingies on her, put one hand on her chin and gave her a quick peck on the lips.
And now the million dollar question is what will happen when we meet tomorrow, or later today actually.. Well at least she didn't hit me when I made my move. But how drunk was she?
I suppose this means I'm back in love with her.. and it feels good, for tonight at the least

Ah, whatever, sleep tight / Drunken Monkey

Couch boy

2006-09-05T23:12:00.000+02:00

Yeah, that's me.
Got it yesterday and I'm totally in love with it, it's comfy and wonderful and black and wonderful and wonderful. I've also decorated and redecorated my flat a couple of times trying to decide how I'm gonna place my furniture, flowers and lamps.. I need a wallmounted thing for holding those small candles, what is that called? anyone know?
I got laundry tomorrow, and school, neither is fun but at least in school I learn something, sometimes.
Ah, never mind, this blog sucks when my heart isn't broken or at least on the way to be broken..
so what can I tell you about my lovelife now, have I got any projects running? well yes of course I do, I have maybe three at the moment, but two of them are acctually big no-no's, both are friends exes, and that can really fuck things up, which is a bad thing whenit comes to this.. the other is an old runner that I've tried to work something out with earlier but didn't work, I doubt it'll work this time...
But surprisingly enough I'm not very depressed on account of this, must be thanks to school and my classmates. And Gretas, definetly the best club in Gothenburg, too bad there aren't enough straight women there..

Well that's all for me tonight / Couch-Monkey

Delirium of Disorder

2006-08-29T23:59:00.000+02:00

Wow. There really is no other word that fits how I feel now, so Wow.
Moved back into my flat today after two or three weeks of painting and fixing and fiddling and stuff. And as I started moving my bags and my computer in I got overwhelmed with it all, it all came down on me like a ton of bricks.
Now it's serious again, school begins in about fourteen hours and then it's study hard that counts. But I can count myself lucky, this first week is only three days and they're pretty soft, so I have some time to get used to it all, thank God for that.
And thank ms. I too, thanks to her messages life feels a little better, gonna meet up and have some coffee or something day after tomorrow and get reaquainted, been a long time since we met now.
Damn, I'm really satisfied with how my flat turned out, now all I'm waiting for is a sofa and a couple of new lamps, and then it'll be peachy fucking creamy here..

Well, nothing really new there, unless you count me moving. By the way Teppic, if you read this, when are you gonna invite me for tea (I don't drink coffee)? Nah, just kidding, send my love to your wife and daughter :)

Starting on a downer, coming up / Monkey Boy

She's white

2006-08-15T22:22:00.000+02:00

Or at least most of the walls in my flat are white by now, all except one actually, the one that isn't white is red, looks really good so far, I'm looking forward to adding some black bamboo on it, perhaps I'll do it this thursday.. I can't tomorrow as I'm gonna paint my kitchendrawers, red as well.

Well well well, I've realised that my blog has seriously gotten boring, it must be due to lack of disasters in my lovelife, I kinda like it that way, but I would prefer some success instead of this status quo that I'm currently in.
All for today I think, will update as soon as something new happens.
Bored monkey / MonkeyBoy

Paint it black

2006-08-09T22:05:00.000+02:00

Hey again, long time no see I guess.

Don't really know what to put down here, suppose I could tell you about my week so far.
Sunday evening I went boarding with S, was absolutely wonderful, great weather, nice company and a longboard beneath my feet, I've named it Molly by the way.
Monday was spent mostly in the garden reading some book, went to Gothenburg in the evening and saw No Fun At All, Blindside, CKY and Satanic Surfers play, all for free.
Tuesday I slept most of the day as I got home late monday night, did nothing interesting at all, unless you're interested in me maybe starting upp 40k again, and I guess you're not.
Wednesday, went to Gothenburg to have a look at my flat, throw on some paint and make it look a little nicer, got quite a shock when I got there though, my previous flatmate hadn't moved his remaining stuff out yet, something that he promised to do last sunday at the latest so that put me in a foul mood, as if getting up at a quarter to seven hadn't already done that to me.. I also discovered that what the walls needed wasn't a quick slab of paint, they needed fucking heart surgery, and to top it off, the sofa I'd seen earlier at IKEA doesn't come as a two-seater, anymore..
Eventually my not anymore and never again flatmate arrived and I had gotten rid of enough crap so I was able pile what was left into a heap in the middle of the room and get started on the sanding and the application of paper to the floor as not to spill.
After I had done that I was too tired to care so I went home, bought some new paint and dreamt of murder, murder and girls.

So no, no new thoughts about love, more like thoughts about not love, I feel surprisingly good for not having even the slightest simmer of interest for a girl in me. Or no, I lied there, there isn't just one but two, but one is busy and the other is simply a bad idea, and neither seem interested. On another note I'm very seriously considering not going out and getting drunk this saturday, perhaps I should focus on the appartment, there are always other opportunities to get drunk.. And no, I'm neither ill nor crazy, thank you very much.

Sleep tight, I know I will/ Paper-Monkey (If you don't get it, don't ask)

Midnight

2006-07-30T22:08:00.000+02:00

Not yet though, don't know if I'll still be awake by then, already feeling tired looking out onto the freeway. It feels strange being back in Gothenburg, strange but nice. I'm only here for somewhat less than a week for an exam and some boozing but it's nice, the flat really feels like home today. Did some small rearrangments and dreamt about how I'm gonna plan it.
Visited IKEA for few minutes too, bought a lamp and looked at a table and a couple of chairs that really liked. Seriously need to start looking for a good couch soon, they're hard to find, and expensive..

Got pretty much planned this week, studying during the days yes, and most evenings are booked as well, tuesday is quiz night I think, wednesday is the Dropkick Murphys concert and thursday is probably post-exam drinking with parts of my class.
The exam thursday morning is the reason why nothing much has happened recently, when I've not been working I've been studying, no fun at all but neccesary. But now all that is over, now it's time for alcohol and fun fun fun.

Monkey with a longing for fun. /Monkey Boy

Never let me down again

2006-07-17T23:08:00.000+02:00

Back again, sorry to have left you all without my deep insights, my witty comments and of course, my very personal reflections on my love life or lack thereof.

The reason behind the lack of updating has been a lack of personal agony and trouble, maybe I'll find some this weekend to share with you all and make our world a better place to be. I spend my weekdays working, selling glasses, and evenings trying to study anatomy for an exam in just over two weeks, it'll be interesting to see if I'll have studied enough in time.

Plans for the future, no, not really, the day before the exam I'm going to a consert, after the exam it's time to get my flat in order, needs some new paint, a little new wallpaper and a whole lot of furniture. And on top of this I'm hoping to get time to go to Germany on a day trip to stock up on alcohol for the fall, God knows I'll need it if I'm gonna keep up with the rest of my class.

Probably all from the monkey today, taaa / Monkey Boy

Oh, yeah, I ordered an Ipod yesterday, that makes me a happy panda. or monkey. whatever.

Sleep alone

2006-06-12T00:41:00.000+02:00

Think that's what I'll do soon, perhaps another episode of NCIS first though, really gotta love Abby. Began the evening with watching Gilmore girls but it just made me sad, strange...

On another note, I've been using the longboard and I'm slowly learning what not to do. I'm getting better. Seems kinda lonely that almost everyone's leaving for Hultsfred tomorrow or at least soon, but we'll make up for it next week I suppose, I'll have to check with my boss how much I'm gonna work though, still haven't heard anything from them concerning how much I'm gonna work this summer.

Strange today, I've been thinking about going to the Robbie Williams concert this summer and today I first get a lead on two, maybe three tickets, later on I get a definite offer for two tickets.. seems like I'll be seeing Robbie in concert.

Discussed women with M a shorty on our way home, I don't know what'll happen with my confused love life, perhaps something good'll happen this summer, maybe not. But it all works out in the end, I hope. If not I suppose I'll have to complete all my courses, become an M.D. and fuck hot nurses.

/ Monkey with a small smile

Nothing terribly new

2006-06-09T22:39:00.000+02:00

Haven't posted in quite a while, no real reason except that I haven't had much to tell you all, last weekend was absolutely wonderful, only remember about half of saturday evening, less of friday, but it sure was fun, Gretas is the shit.

Something slightly new though, not really news but for me it's something positive, I'm not suffering from any withdrawal from not meeting A and seeing her smile, maybe I'm about ready to drop her, just gotta find someone to take her place.. or perhaps I should just be happy with what I've got, good friends. Discussed it with J the other night, what are girlfriends for? sex, friendship and spooning, two of the three can be had from other sources, so perhaps a girlfriend isn't all that important?

Borrowed a longboard from K this wednesday, I suck at it but it fun anyway, hopefully I'll get better with some practise.

Been ill this week, caught a cold that won't let go, got a sore throat and a constant dizzy feeling, it's probably for the best that everyone is going to Hultsfred next week so that noone wanted to go out tonight, but who knows what'll happen tomorrow.

And now, for the long awaited premiere of my short stories, because I think I wrote something about me maybe writing one or two here a long long time ago.

"He sits on the sidewalk, a soft fall rain falling on him and creating wet marks on the pavement in front of him. Lighting a smoke he takes a look around, the music from the night club still ringing in his ears, the heat streaming from the doors warms his back while the rain cools his face. He sees a man leaning on a pillar some sixty feet away and smiles to himself. The man throws him a glance and drops his cigarette in a pool of dirty rainwater that has formed in the gutter in front of him before getting his balance back and slowly making his way towards the entrance of the club."

Hope you don't hate it too much, I might prolong it tomorrow if I can think of what'll happen next.. Was it gold or poop as Markus would say?

Upside down

2006-05-20T20:27:00.000+02:00

That's what it feels like. Sat watching the hockey semifinal Sweden-Canada feeling sorry for myself when the phone rang. Look at the caller-ID, guess who? Yeah, that's right, my greatest sorrow, and also my greatest smile.
She'd fallen asleep due to a combination of lack of sleep and being exhausted after first going for a long run and then taking an aerobics class.. Talked for thirtysix, yes thirtysix, minutes about pretty much nothing, and god help me, all the anguish and anger I felt only a couple of hours ago more or less evaporated as I heard her voice. Unfortuanetly she was still tired so she wasn't interested in watching a movie, or perhaps she wasn't tired and just didn't wanna do it but wanted to keep stringing me along, how will I ever know?
The problem for me is that time is running out on me. Soon it'll be summer break and we'll go home and probably not see each other until next fall. And that doesn't feel like an option to me. I can't go through summer with this fucked feeling deep inside of me. But how can I get a straight answer? Sure, I could wait for the party next thursday and simply try to kiss her a bit into the evening but it feels like that could really go to hell on me. And I don't want that, I want to know.

/ Monkey without direction

edit: Reading what I've written here I realise that I much seem like such a whiner that never does anything, just sits at home and feels sorry for himself, and yeah, I do that pretty much, but I don't have anything better to do today.

Difference between love and hell

2006-05-20T18:31:00.000+02:00

What use is there in seeing the difference if you can't do anything about it, it all seems such a waste when nothing I do can change anything anywhere.
This feeling of powerlessness leaves me with a sour feeling in my stoumach and a queezy feeling in my throat, I just sit here waiting for nothing and no matter what I do it feels like time is constantly slowing down making my agony more prolonged.. Or maybe not my agony, but my tiny tiny speck of hope that'll be over soon enough and I can begin to recover from the agony that will arrive when all hope has been abandoned and all that remains is suffering.

What? Why? How? Who? Where?

Damn

/ The monkey that couldn't smile

Blow em off

2006-05-20T18:06:00.000+02:00

Yesterday was kinda nice, in hindsight not as nice, but we'll get to that later I think.
What began as a trip south became a detour to the north to pick up some forgotten wine followed by us getting lost once we got to the south.
We eventually found or way to the bbq-party, or more correctly, the host found us and led us right. Bbqd some meat, drank some alcohol, had an overall good time and got a hug or two which made me feel like gold and got my hopes for today up. I was confused last night due to the amount of mixed signals, but I felt the scales were tipping my way, seems I was wrong. How can anyone be so hard to read and understand.

Now I can't help but feel that I've been blown off, and man does it suck.. Spoke on the phone and she said she'd call me back, obviously she hasn't. Why does it all have to be so complicated when it could really be quite straightforward, yes or no, love or hate, but no, if it isn't complicated it isn't real.
The chase is better than the catch said scooter, on my account it isn't, I get so fucked up in the head playing these mind games that most of the time the chase seems to be nothing but terror with a smile or a hug mixed in somewhere along the way to make me think that I'm not barking up the wrong tree.
Is that what I've been doing this last year, barking up the wrong tree? I don't know and sometimes I don't even think that the tree herself knows, it sure doesn't feel as if she knows what she's doing.. And if I was barking up the wrong tree, how do I leave this one behind and find another? Cause I don't think I can use the concept that M tried to teach me, the "anything goes" approach, I just can't get my mind straight and move on, I can't take "anything" since I know what is out there..

In the wrong tree / Monkey Boy

Hella good

2006-05-17T20:23:00.000+02:00

Sorry for the lack of updating the last couple of days, I dont think it has happened anything worth writing about.
But the last 24 hours have been, as previously hinted at, "hella good"! Last night we went to notting hill for the weekly quiznight, no win, but we played a good game, too bad it feels like I'm the one who knows the least out of the four of us.
Today I had my exam, took 20 minutes but we couldn't leave the examination hall until 40 minutes had passed, silly rules. After that we went to a nearby coffeeshop and talked for an hour or two, this was followed by going home and just leaning back for a few minutes and of course some gaming, what else?
In the middle of the afternoon we went to the local amusement park and had a great time, rode a couple of rides, had a burger, rode some more rides, won 4.2kgs of toffefilled chocolate! and then rode some more rides.
And even if this sounds like a bloody awesome way to spend 24 hours, it doesn't really end there, because all the while I/we were at the amusement park I was making a pass at someone special, and I think that someone was positive, and if I can trust the comment I got from another friend I'm not the only one who thinks so. Yay.

And on a nerdy note, when I left my chocolate at the safety deposits I got the number 133705 as identification. And if you don't understand you just aren't nerdy enough.

Fuck Yeah / Monkey Boy

(she makes me) Forget my name

2006-05-14T11:30:00.000+02:00

Don't know what it is, but it's powerful to say the least. Went to a party and then out dancing last night, met some nice girls but just couldn't find the energy to try to get one to go home with me. And no, it's not simply me being a lame loser who's not good at picking up girls, although that is part of it too. I think it's something more, or don't think, know, because as soon as I looked at a girl and considered trying to pick her up I saw something else, something I thought I had let go of, seems I haven't. If you know me, or at least listen to me rambling, you probably know what it is.

Overall a really nice evening, even though M had some insane ideas and some old sins came baack to haunt me. Sometimes I miss my old hometown and last night I thought I knew why, today I can't remember. There was only a few things missing, a few old friends and something a little more special.. Life isn't as simple as it sometimes seems I guess.

not hungover / Monkey Boy

Cute boring love

2006-05-12T18:26:00.000+02:00

Cute yes. Boring no.
Was gonna ramble on about how my love constantly seems to be running amok but can't find the energy.
Let's just enjoy the nice weather and the fact that I don't have any classes until next thursday, exam on wednesday though..

Agreeable / Monkey Boy

Falling for the first time

2006-05-08T20:00:00.000+02:00

More like falling the fifteenth time, at least it feels like that.. wonder what'll happen now.
Smiles are more deadly than any weapons, well maybe not, but they seem to hurt more than cutting your finger...

Smiling stupidly /Monkey Boy

Anything goes

2006-05-07T00:01:00.000+02:00

First of all, let my apologise for not using a songtitle as the blogtitle today. Couldn't resist it, you'll find out later on..

Not as bitter today as yesterday, not bitter at all really. Spending a day in the sun can do that to you, destroys your foul mood much too fast for my liking some times. But it was a good day.
Even this evening was nice, although M got drunk enough to follow his own saying "anything goes" and drinking her goodlooking for a second night in a row, it'll be interesting to see if he shows up here later tonight looking for a bed or if he scores tonight.
Back to the bitterness, the lack of it might be due to my lack of expectations, I knew it would be nice to bbq for a bit and just chill and talk, but I strongly suspected (knew is slightly too hard a word) that as soon as A showed up M would return to the "anything goes" but I'm disappointed in him on that, yesterday I was obviously way more drunk than today, as today I wouldn't have touched her with a pair of pliers..

The other A was nice tonight though, talked for a little while and P might have struck gold with that one, it was probably for the best that it was he who picked her up and not me that saturday, he deserves her and I don't think that I would have appreciated her half as much.

All for me, slowly sobering up / Monkey Boy

Added in an edit:
Had some strange dreams tonight, dreamt about S, but it wasn't sexdreams as one would expect when it comes to dreams about a girl, I dreamt about our way too complex relationship with all the confused shit that it contains. I dreamt about us talking about it but not even in my dreams did I get a straight answer or a solution to the strange dance of our love-hate friendship. Or is it even friendship? Or is it more? I suppose that is the exact question, what is going on, yes, I've already heard the "not interested" but I still get encouraged every time we party together. And even though I've told myself to let it all go I can't seem to get myself to do it, not with this girl, I've seen too much of her and shown too much of myself to her, I don't know where this will all end, but I doubt that it'll be a happy ending, it seldom seems to be when I'm involved..

Beautiful world

2006-05-06T02:23:00.000+02:00

Or is it? I trust Rage against the machine on that one, "It's a beautiful world, for you, but not for me"

N.B. What's written below is personal and written while drunk, so all opinions and spelling errors are due to that. If you don't feel like readin personal stuff, like mushy feelings and stuff, don't read this...
[EDITED]
Removed cause it made me feel stupid, oversensitive and rather silly reading it in retrospect.
If you're really curious you'll have to ask me about it sometime..
[/EDITED]

Sleep tight / Monkey Boy

Fight for your right (to party)

2006-05-04T18:12:00.000+02:00

or simply wait for your friends to invite themselves. That's more or less what happened, was talking to a girl online who out of the blue asked if she could join some of our mutual friends and come visit me this weekend.. I got a little bit comfused there, but it all works out in the end, at least if we get drunk.

Went to see Stonewall, White Silver, Cafe society Ltd and Blindside last night, definetly worth the money. All hail stonewall for warming up the ungrateful audience. Was overall good although cafe didn't really match the lineup, wrong kind of music unfortuanetly.

Today the sun is shining andlife isn't all bad, who knows, I might even get to bed early, I need it

/Monkey Boy

It'll be a long time

2006-05-02T19:25:00.000+02:00

Or more correctly, it was a long time, a long period of time, a long weekend.
But it was a nice one, friday was real sweet, went to bed early and slept wonderfully, last time I did..
Saturday I got a visit from M, had some tea, talked, tried to start his minimoto, talked some more, finally got his minimoto started. Later on P, M and J turned up, we got slightly drunk, went downtown, found it lame, went home and kept drinking, fell asleep.
Sunday was confusing, don't even know who's party we were at, could have been someone called E. But who knows? Nice downtown although my cell died and I lost track of half the people I was out with.

That's about it, no filthy details to linger on, I'll try to get some another day when I'm drunk, might be that I suck at picking up girls, or that M. keeps butting in. Nah, I just suck.

Tired as hell but cheery / Monkey Boy

Any number can play

2006-04-27T14:59:00.000+02:00

Yup, at least when it comes to exams.. Had one today, it was fun once I regained control of my nerves. Looking at organs in microscopes and guessing what they are aren't that hard once you get used to it, obviously, just a few out of eighty odd who didn't pass. But on the other hand I think our examiners where kind.

Now I'm on holiday, until tuesday morning at least. Hopefully it'll be a good weekend, lots of partying and perhaps some snogging, who knows.

Oh, I got to ride a classmates longboard today, I think I'll buy one, will have to steal Js or Ss this summer and try out for a week or two.. but if it's even half as fun as it was today I will simply have to get one.

XoXo / Monkey Boy

PS. if you read this and know me you are welcome to my appartment this evening before we go to vasa.

Amazing Grace

2006-04-25T18:57:00.000+02:00

Isn't it amazing how much one can get done once one gets his ass of the chair, stops dilly-dalling with his friends and starts moving.
Today I've managed to get a lot of reading done, got through all the questions, twice, bought a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes and last but not least, found a new hoppy, taunting small children on lunarstorm.. Yes, I know I'm being easily amused, but I really can't help myself, it's like selling crack to addicts, or something. But M. It'll ruin all my studying, can't wait for the next reply from the boyos. (And no, that isn't a typeo, it's supposed to be "boyos")

Another amazing thing is what happened at the jeans store, the girl working there recognised me since the last time I was there, so she didn't try to sell me the exact same jeans, I got away cheap, that's why I also bought a pair of shoes, unfortuanetly they're white, so I suppose no key bar, ey M.

Easily amused / Monkey Boy

Whisper in time

2006-04-24T22:26:00.000+02:00

Don't really know what my title means today. Just like the words..

Short update since nothing interesting has happened today, unless I tell you that my money from the government has arrived, so now I can afford more alcohol..

I haven't had time to do anything interesting since I've been studying, rather hard acctually. And tomorrow it's time to take it to the next level, I have 172 questions with answers, which, if I learn them all, might help me pass this exam. So here goes nothing. Gonna be at the library from 9 AM until I'm done with a short break to go downtown and buy a pair of jeans, "because I'm worth it"

Kinda stressed / Monkey boy

Crashing around you

2006-04-23T21:07:00.001+02:00

This post isn't something anyone should read. It isn't even something I should be writing. Or should or shouldn't, not that it matters, it simply won't contain anything worth writing or reading.
Sounds like most of my blogging doesn't it?

Spent this weekend trying to get some studying done, went so-so. Could have been better, could have been worse. Now I have two days left to learn the theory, got my exam on wednesday morning. After that I have time for some food and after that I'll have to sit down with my microscope and all the samples and learn them all for the exam on the samples, which is late thursday morning, might even become an allnighter, just bring a sleeping bag so I can crash for a few hours.. Those who live will find out I suppose.

Oh, by the way, I'm watching Matador as I'm writing this, it's a nice, although rather weird movie. You should all watch it if you get the opportunity.

Ta ta / Monkey Boy

Oh my gosh

2006-04-22T16:10:00.000+02:00

Yes, exactly like that, "Oh my gosh!"

Never thought that some sleep and waking up to sunshine could do so much for ones day. I've been a good boy today, studied, went grocery shopping and took a stroll through downtown Gothenburg. Just walking around looking at people makes me happy in some perverted way. (And no, I'm not referring to looking at scantily clad women which there are quite alot around.) Although that doesn't make my day any worse if we say so..

But it got me thinking about one of the things I wrote last night, do I really want a "real" girlfriend, and by real I mean a steady gf that I walk around holding hands with and stuff, or do I only want spooning and sex? I don't know, suppose I'll have to consider this for a bit.

And now for something completely different. Recently I realised that some people I acctually know read this blog (and yes, I know that I've mentioned it before, but I forgot a thought back then) and that brings up the question of how personal I should get in this blog. What if I have some horrible secrets, or simply personal shit that noone needs to know, should I write it then? I suppose I'll have to take a long thinker on that one.

Chilling in the sun / mOnkey bOy

Keine Lust

2006-04-21T21:36:00.000+02:00

Well this wasn't the best day to say the least. Been a downright shitty day. Nothing really concrete, just a general total of ass. Some sort of combination of sleepdeprivation, a not very great after work, alcohol doesn't seem to agree with me, and some other shit. Seems I might have been an ass without even realising it. Makes me somewhat scared as I really haven't felt like I was being unfriendly, I both want to and don't want to know what in particular I have done..

In other news the day only got worse once I got home, never thought I'd long for someone to hold me/to hold after a shitty day. I would almost have preffered it to having finished my studies, someone who would give me a hug and then snuggle up with me and watch something totally uninteresting on the telly and simply BE.

Falling asleep on the couch / Monkey Boy

ps. M. I survived. At least there was one good thing today.

Edit:
Didn't think that this day would improve until I fell asleep, but my wonderful friends in =wub= can make anyone smile. The day isn't all shite at least.

The importance of being idle

2006-04-20T18:11:00.000+02:00

I got to spoon this morning. yay.
With my roommates exgf. not so yay perhaps.

But whatever, stuff happens, and in worst case I throw him out. My appartment. And besides, it IS his EX.. or am I perhaps a bad person? Who knows, I sure don't, and I don't think I care either.

And to M. I think you're right. Planning is bad, and my withdrawal is almost gone. Perhaps it's the magic of spooning.

Staying idle / Monkey Boy

Space invaders

2006-04-19T19:01:00.000+02:00

My roommates exgf and her friend is her to spend the night, and no, no humping :/ so yeah, I've got people invading my space.

Found out yesterday that there acctually are some people that I know who read my blog. My trip towards fame has begun. Now all I need is a plan for world domination, or maybe not, according to M. plans are the work of the devil, or women, sometimes it seems there is no difference.

No, I shouldn't be complaining, nothing to complain about really, just nothing to be happy about either.. perhaps I should just stop dreaming and start making a pass on anything that moves?
Or wait, I do have something not to cry about, I'll get to see from dusk til dawn today.

Vampire for life / Monkey Boy

Baby hates me

2006-04-18T16:55:00.000+02:00

heh, or something.
I don't know, last saturday I thought I'd decided on how I would run my lovelife, then last night, while trying to get to sleep, I changed my mind and decided on the opposite. It didn't seem hard as the holidays went fine.
Today I saw it again and there must be some kind of magic to this whole mess. damn.

Now for what to do, I don't know what's going on. Some times I think it might be better just to say "fuck it" and move on to any other girl. But maybe it isn't that easy? So I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the future might bring, or not bring.
Still, I'm aiming to get drunk soon again and carry on the fine examples of Easter.
"We're the seven drunken pirates, we're the seven deadly sins."

Wonder what sin I am, pride, avarice, or gluttony? / Monkey Boy

ps. and for those of you who didn't get it, the blogtitle references to the song by Danko Jones. ds

The memory remains

2006-04-17T19:36:00.000+02:00

phew, just spent nigh on two hours trying to remember what i put as the answer to my secret question on my gmail account. I managed to forget the password to not only my username here on blogspot, but also the password to my gmail... and no, this wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't just left my parents home where i spent the holidays to go "home"* to my own appartment and computer where nothing is stored.

But, like the computergenius I'm not, I managed to break into gmail by knowing my extremely lame sense of humour when answering secret question, I mean, who ever expects to use the "secret question"..?

*"home" is such a difficult word, or at least it is for me who lives something like 80km from my parents. Sometimes home is the appartment and sometimes it's my parents house. How does one define which "home" one talks about? Well, I suppose I can keep saying "go south" when I mean that I'm going to my parents.

Hope you all had a nice and laidback easter / Monkey Boy

The day after.

2006-04-16T11:59:00.000+02:00

Late last night. But DAMN it was fun. Didn't make a total ass out of myself, didn't lose any friends.
Got too drunk, threw up on a hedge, drank some more, went to the pub, drank more.
Left the pub, searched for food. Fed. Walked around with J. and talked for half an hour or something. Solved all of life's great problems, both mine and his, or at least his.

Slept.

Woke up. No hangover. So yeah fuckers, "who da man?!"

And by the way S. your music sucks donkey.

Ready for more / Monkey Boy

Added/edited

In hindsight, there is actually one or two things I wish I hadn't done. Textmessages is the work of the devil.
"And if I get drunk, well I'll pass out on the floor now baby, you won't bother me no more."

Status report

2006-04-14T12:20:00.000+02:00

Our accomplishments to date have been sufficient to establish both short-term and long-term progress goals with respect to the original specifications concerning our project taking into account the standard challenges and requirements expected in any endeavour of this size and scope with parameters factored in to establish goal oriented delivery of successful products to our customers concerning both this asset and our futuer plans.
I expect continued results in this vein.

Sounding off / Monkey Boy

What this is all about.

2006-04-13T22:06:00.000+02:00

Well I'd be happy if he or she who knows would be so kind as to tell me.

My life today:
Quite satisfied, slightly tired, had a a headache but took some aspirinequivalents and feeling fine now.
Spent 3 hours at my local library, acctually studying, more than I thought I would possibly achieve. Bumped into my latest crush too, would have asked her to have coffee with me but she was working so I never bothered, in hindsight it would have been kinda nice to do that of course, since she's working in a coffeeshop.

-"How can I help you?"
-"A cup of Earl Grey and a sandwich"
-"Anything else?"
-"Yes, would you join me as company?"

Or maybe that would just have been weird? Well I suppose I'll never know, won't see her at work before this weekend when I hope to find out what's going on with us. Probably nothing but one can always hope.

Over and out, high on life, no painkillers that is / Monkey Boy

Who then now?

2006-04-12T18:14:00.000+02:00

Three times the charm goes the old saying. While this isn't my third post it is my third day posting here. But what sort of charm is it that the three times are? Does this mean that someone will read my blog? Or maybe even post a comment for me?

Not much new about me, been trying to study some histology but it's not easy, I suppose I'll have to go to the library tomorrow to get a few hours concentrated work done.

I'll try to be back later on this evening with another update.

Todeloo / Monkey Boy

What is love?

2006-04-11T18:25:00.000+02:00

Writing the heading for this post made me feel like bloody Haddaway, and if you don't know who he is you don't deserve to know who he is.

I was just reading the latest book I've managed to get my hands on, "A long way down" by Nick Hornby and I got to thinking about love and my love life, or more correctly my lack of it. Not that the book seems to be discussing love in any greater deal, but what do I know, I've only read two thirds of it.
Well to answer my own, and Haddaways question, I haven't got the slightest clue, but I think I might be develpoing a crush as I write this. (Is that the correct term by the way, to "develop" a crush? Since I don't have it yet I mean.)
Cute and funny, the only two questions left are if I want her for a girlfriend and whether or not she is interested, but I suppose I'll find out this weekend if she throws the party she's been speaking about (and invited me to).

Keeping up the fast pace / Monkey Boy

Second day

2006-04-11T16:22:00.000+02:00

Still going strong. Not really sure what to put down but here goes nothing.

Spent fifteen minutes at the dentists today, the sound of drilling really gets me on edge, lucky for me I've only needed it done once. And no, I don't treat my teeth like friends, they are bad teeth that must be punished with sugar.

All for now / Monkey Boy

Quickie update

2006-04-10T23:45:00.000+02:00

Can't resist the feeling of spreading my words over the imfamous interweb. It feels wonderful and silly at the same time.
And I still haven't got anything interesting or even slightly entertaining to put down on this virtual piece of paper. Only more ramblings about nothing. Who knows, I might never get a life worth writing about?

Cheerio / Monkey Boy

Up and running

2006-04-10T23:21:00.000+02:00

New day, old face.

Decided to get myself a blog. Yeah, I'm a real sucker for trends.. but on the other hand it took me goddamn long to get on the train.

Never done anything like this before, will have to wait and see if anyone ever bothers following my rants and sporadic updates (no, I don't think I'll be very good at updating regularly) for more than a few days.

And to those who know me, or at least think you know me, I only write in English to be special. I seriously don't give a shit if English speakers understand what I write.

Cheers / Monkey Boy