Upside down

That's what it feels like. Sat watching the hockey semifinal Sweden-Canada feeling sorry for myself when the phone rang. Look at the caller-ID, guess who? Yeah, that's right, my greatest sorrow, and also my greatest smile.
She'd fallen asleep due to a combination of lack of sleep and being exhausted after first going for a long run and then taking an aerobics class.. Talked for thirtysix, yes thirtysix, minutes about pretty much nothing, and god help me, all the anguish and anger I felt only a couple of hours ago more or less evaporated as I heard her voice. Unfortuanetly she was still tired so she wasn't interested in watching a movie, or perhaps she wasn't tired and just didn't wanna do it but wanted to keep stringing me along, how will I ever know?
The problem for me is that time is running out on me. Soon it'll be summer break and we'll go home and probably not see each other until next fall. And that doesn't feel like an option to me. I can't go through summer with this fucked feeling deep inside of me. But how can I get a straight answer? Sure, I could wait for the party next thursday and simply try to kiss her a bit into the evening but it feels like that could really go to hell on me. And I don't want that, I want to know.

/ Monkey without direction

edit: Reading what I've written here I realise that I much seem like such a whiner that never does anything, just sits at home and feels sorry for himself, and yeah, I do that pretty much, but I don't have anything better to do today.

Difference between love and hell

What use is there in seeing the difference if you can't do anything about it, it all seems such a waste when nothing I do can change anything anywhere.
This feeling of powerlessness leaves me with a sour feeling in my stoumach and a queezy feeling in my throat, I just sit here waiting for nothing and no matter what I do it feels like time is constantly slowing down making my agony more prolonged.. Or maybe not my agony, but my tiny tiny speck of hope that'll be over soon enough and I can begin to recover from the agony that will arrive when all hope has been abandoned and all that remains is suffering.

What? Why? How? Who? Where?

Damn

/ The monkey that couldn't smile

Blow em off

Yesterday was kinda nice, in hindsight not as nice, but we'll get to that later I think.
What began as a trip south became a detour to the north to pick up some forgotten wine followed by us getting lost once we got to the south.
We eventually found or way to the bbq-party, or more correctly, the host found us and led us right. Bbqd some meat, drank some alcohol, had an overall good time and got a hug or two which made me feel like gold and got my hopes for today up. I was confused last night due to the amount of mixed signals, but I felt the scales were tipping my way, seems I was wrong. How can anyone be so hard to read and understand.

Now I can't help but feel that I've been blown off, and man does it suck.. Spoke on the phone and she said she'd call me back, obviously she hasn't. Why does it all have to be so complicated when it could really be quite straightforward, yes or no, love or hate, but no, if it isn't complicated it isn't real.
The chase is better than the catch said scooter, on my account it isn't, I get so fucked up in the head playing these mind games that most of the time the chase seems to be nothing but terror with a smile or a hug mixed in somewhere along the way to make me think that I'm not barking up the wrong tree.
Is that what I've been doing this last year, barking up the wrong tree? I don't know and sometimes I don't even think that the tree herself knows, it sure doesn't feel as if she knows what she's doing.. And if I was barking up the wrong tree, how do I leave this one behind and find another? Cause I don't think I can use the concept that M tried to teach me, the "anything goes" approach, I just can't get my mind straight and move on, I can't take "anything" since I know what is out there..

In the wrong tree / Monkey Boy

Hella good

Sorry for the lack of updating the last couple of days, I dont think it has happened anything worth writing about.
But the last 24 hours have been, as previously hinted at, "hella good"! Last night we went to notting hill for the weekly quiznight, no win, but we played a good game, too bad it feels like I'm the one who knows the least out of the four of us.
Today I had my exam, took 20 minutes but we couldn't leave the examination hall until 40 minutes had passed, silly rules. After that we went to a nearby coffeeshop and talked for an hour or two, this was followed by going home and just leaning back for a few minutes and of course some gaming, what else?
In the middle of the afternoon we went to the local amusement park and had a great time, rode a couple of rides, had a burger, rode some more rides, won 4.2kgs of toffefilled chocolate! and then rode some more rides.
And even if this sounds like a bloody awesome way to spend 24 hours, it doesn't really end there, because all the while I/we were at the amusement park I was making a pass at someone special, and I think that someone was positive, and if I can trust the comment I got from another friend I'm not the only one who thinks so. Yay.

And on a nerdy note, when I left my chocolate at the safety deposits I got the number 133705 as identification. And if you don't understand you just aren't nerdy enough.

Fuck Yeah / Monkey Boy

(she makes me) Forget my name

Don't know what it is, but it's powerful to say the least. Went to a party and then out dancing last night, met some nice girls but just couldn't find the energy to try to get one to go home with me. And no, it's not simply me being a lame loser who's not good at picking up girls, although that is part of it too. I think it's something more, or don't think, know, because as soon as I looked at a girl and considered trying to pick her up I saw something else, something I thought I had let go of, seems I haven't. If you know me, or at least listen to me rambling, you probably know what it is.

Overall a really nice evening, even though M had some insane ideas and some old sins came baack to haunt me. Sometimes I miss my old hometown and last night I thought I knew why, today I can't remember. There was only a few things missing, a few old friends and something a little more special.. Life isn't as simple as it sometimes seems I guess.

not hungover / Monkey Boy

Cute boring love

Cute yes. Boring no.
Was gonna ramble on about how my love constantly seems to be running amok but can't find the energy.
Let's just enjoy the nice weather and the fact that I don't have any classes until next thursday, exam on wednesday though..


Agreeable / Monkey Boy

Falling for the first time

More like falling the fifteenth time, at least it feels like that.. wonder what'll happen now.
Smiles are more deadly than any weapons, well maybe not, but they seem to hurt more than cutting your finger...

Smiling stupidly /Monkey Boy

Anything goes

First of all, let my apologise for not using a songtitle as the blogtitle today. Couldn't resist it, you'll find out later on..

Not as bitter today as yesterday, not bitter at all really. Spending a day in the sun can do that to you, destroys your foul mood much too fast for my liking some times. But it was a good day.
Even this evening was nice, although M got drunk enough to follow his own saying "anything goes" and drinking her goodlooking for a second night in a row, it'll be interesting to see if he shows up here later tonight looking for a bed or if he scores tonight.
Back to the bitterness, the lack of it might be due to my lack of expectations, I knew it would be nice to bbq for a bit and just chill and talk, but I strongly suspected (knew is slightly too hard a word) that as soon as A showed up M would return to the "anything goes" but I'm disappointed in him on that, yesterday I was obviously way more drunk than today, as today I wouldn't have touched her with a pair of pliers..

The other A was nice tonight though, talked for a little while and P might have struck gold with that one, it was probably for the best that it was he who picked her up and not me that saturday, he deserves her and I don't think that I would have appreciated her half as much.

All for me, slowly sobering up / Monkey Boy

Added in an edit:
Had some strange dreams tonight, dreamt about S, but it wasn't sexdreams as one would expect when it comes to dreams about a girl, I dreamt about our way too complex relationship with all the confused shit that it contains. I dreamt about us talking about it but not even in my dreams did I get a straight answer or a solution to the strange dance of our love-hate friendship. Or is it even friendship? Or is it more? I suppose that is the exact question, what is going on, yes, I've already heard the "not interested" but I still get encouraged every time we party together. And even though I've told myself to let it all go I can't seem to get myself to do it, not with this girl, I've seen too much of her and shown too much of myself to her, I don't know where this will all end, but I doubt that it'll be a happy ending, it seldom seems to be when I'm involved..

Beautiful world

Or is it? I trust Rage against the machine on that one, "It's a beautiful world, for you, but not for me"

N.B. What's written below is personal and written while drunk, so all opinions and spelling errors are due to that. If you don't feel like readin personal stuff, like mushy feelings and stuff, don't read this...
[EDITED]
Removed cause it made me feel stupid, oversensitive and rather silly reading it in retrospect.
If you're really curious you'll have to ask me about it sometime..
[/EDITED]

Sleep tight / Monkey Boy

Fight for your right (to party)

or simply wait for your friends to invite themselves. That's more or less what happened, was talking to a girl online who out of the blue asked if she could join some of our mutual friends and come visit me this weekend.. I got a little bit comfused there, but it all works out in the end, at least if we get drunk.

Went to see Stonewall, White Silver, Cafe society Ltd and Blindside last night, definetly worth the money. All hail stonewall for warming up the ungrateful audience. Was overall good although cafe didn't really match the lineup, wrong kind of music unfortuanetly.

Today the sun is shining andlife isn't all bad, who knows, I might even get to bed early, I need it

/Monkey Boy

It'll be a long time

Or more correctly, it was a long time, a long period of time, a long weekend.
But it was a nice one, friday was real sweet, went to bed early and slept wonderfully, last time I did..
Saturday I got a visit from M, had some tea, talked, tried to start his minimoto, talked some more, finally got his minimoto started. Later on P, M and J turned up, we got slightly drunk, went downtown, found it lame, went home and kept drinking, fell asleep.
Sunday was confusing, don't even know who's party we were at, could have been someone called E. But who knows? Nice downtown although my cell died and I lost track of half the people I was out with.

That's about it, no filthy details to linger on, I'll try to get some another day when I'm drunk, might be that I suck at picking up girls, or that M. keeps butting in. Nah, I just suck.

Tired as hell but cheery / Monkey Boy